The Scars Run Deep
by CallaLilyLily
Summary: Set after COG. With the death of Max still recent, Alec tries to deal with the pain in whatever way possible even if it means doing something he shouldn't. Warning: Self-Harm, Lemon
1. Jace

**Before we get to the story I would like to warn everyone that this is not like any of the other Mortal Instruments stuff I have out there. It's not fluffy in anyway shape or form. In fact Magnus isn't even in this story. The only people in this little story are Alec and Jace. **

**Now I want to warn you about what the story is about. I do not in any way condone cutting or think that cutting is a good option. However, this whole story revolves around cutting so if you don't like it then turn back now. Well I think I've told you everything you need to know so go ahead and read on.**

Alec felt the pressure as the blade split his skin in two allowing for the red blood underneath to come pouring out of the broken barrier. He watched as the liquid rolled down his arm, standing out brightly against the pale white of his skin. His body shivered as the warm blood met each new patch of freezing cold skin. The combination of pain and warm blood against his arm made Alec feel more alive than he had in the months since Max's death. With expert skill Alec brought up the blade and made another long, thin cut perpendicular to the last one so it made a sort of bloody 'X' on his right wrist. The two streams fell like the tears he had often seen sliding down his face, never meeting but continuously flowing.

Finally Alec managed to pull his gaze away from the blood and looked up to see his face reflected back at him in his bathroom mirror. Two large, dark bags now were a constant presences under Alec's eyes showing the whole world just how little he slept at night. He couldn't remember the last time he got a full nights rest. His dreams were filled with things he wanted to forget and he would wake up drenched in sweat or screaming at the top of his lungs. Long ago he had put up silencing runes on his walls so no one could hear what was going on in his room which he was glad for considering his siblings would probably come charging in thinking they were being attacked.

Slowly thin fingers came up to touch the sunken in cheeks that were getting worse and worse. The last thing he ate was… He should know this shouldn't he? His fingers continued to trace the bony feature of his face. They had gotten so prominent that he could see every curve and dip and bulge.

Suddenly he pulled back his right arm and punched the mirror in front of him with as much force as he could muster in his weaker condition. The glass shattered all the same, breaking up into tiny pieces that covered the sink. A hiss escaped his lips as shards of glass lodged themselves in between the knuckles of his clenched right fist. Without much thought Alec started pulled out each piece of glass then dropped them into the sink where they began to collect in a bloody mess.

The last piece he pulled out was rather large with jagged edges. Alec watched curiously as he brought the glass to his left wrist and made a long cut. Unlike the ones on his right wrist this one wasn't perfectly straight so the skin split cleanly open. This cut was rough and imperfect like so many aspects of Alec's life. Great, now he sounded like some sort of literary professor. Two more cuts were quickly added to his left wrist so the blood covered the entire lower arm like a blanket of red.

Sighing Alec grabbed a towel and began to wipe away the blood so he could heal himself and get rid of the evidence before anyone noticed. Of course this wasn't Alec's day because at that moment Jace decided to burst into Alec's bathroom without any warning. In surprise Alec dropped the towel and stared wide-eyed at Jace.

"What the fuck happened in here? Alec are you okay?" Jace had unconsciously pulled out his stele that he always had on him.

Alec stood up making sure to cover up his right wrist since it would be more obvious he had intentionally cut himself if Jace saw it. "I'm fine. I'm just cleaning this mess up."

"How did this mess come about in the first place? It looks like you've had a fight or something in here."

"I just-"

"Did you punch this mirror?" Jace was inspecting where the mirror used to be and the bloody shards in the sink with a careful eye. "It looks like you got it pretty good. Why exactly did you punch it?"

"No particular reason."

"Well clearly it got what it deserved. Here let me see your hand and I'll help you heal up those cuts." Jace seemed to notice the jagged cuts on Alec's left arm and smirked. "Did the mirror fight back or were you just clumsy like usually?"

"Look Jace, while I appreciate your help I don't need it. I can take care of myself then clean up this mess. It's not like I'm inept. Was there something you needed to tell me?"

"I was just wondering if you wanted to go get something to eat but clearly you'll need a little time to clean up before you can go. I was thinking Taki's."

"Yea, that's sounds good. I'll be out soon. This shouldn't take too long."

"Fantastic! You know I don't like to wait."

"Yes I know." Alec reached out to turn on the sink with his right hand, not realizing what he was doing until it was much too late.

Jace looked curiously at the cuts on Alec's exposed wrist then furrowed his brow. It was then he noticed a small bloody blade sitting on the edge of the counter. He picked it up and inspected it before looking back at Alec's wrist.

"Wait a second." Alec turned to see Jace holding his blade in his hand. "What the hell are you thinking Alec?"

"I'm thinking this is none of your business. Now get out."

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what really went on in here. Was this the first time you've done this?"

"I'm not talking about this Jace!"

Jace crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Alec. "Yes you are."

"By the angel Jace! You don't get it!" Alec was shouting now which thoroughly surprised Jace who had never seen Alec shout like this. "You're the kind of person that hides away their feelings but I can't help but feel. That's all I ever do is feel. I might not show how I feel but I still do. I'm the kind of person that has to feel to know I'm alive and that everything is going to be okay eventually. I need to feel something. Anything at all!"

Jace watched as tears began to slide down his older brother's face. "Alec I-"

"Can you just go? Please just go." Alec had turned around and was trying to wipe away the tears that were streaming down his face.

"I know I'm not the best at this sort of thing. I'm not one to talk about feelings especially painful things like Max but you need help Alec and I'm not going to leave you. I'm your best friend, your Parabatai, your brother. I want to help."

Alec stepped back so he was leaning against the wall behind him and then slid down putting his head in his hands. "It's too much. Everything is just too much. I want Max back. I want to see him and hold him. I can't even remember the last thing I said to him. The last time I told him that I loved him was god knows when! He was so young. So young."

"Remember when he used to just curl up anywhere and start reading. I don't know how he did it." Jace sat down next to Alec and grabbed his right arm. "He could sit and read all day. Not a care in the world."

"He was such a free spirit so lost in those books of his that he wouldn't even hear us trying to talk to him." Alec let out a gasp as Jace drew an iratze on the palm of his hand then lower on his arm. "I sometimes wish that I could get as lost as Max did when he would read those novels. He was always so happy."

Jace drew an iratze of Alec's left arm before speaking. "Maybe we should remember him that way. He was always happy so why shouldn't we think about him that way. I'm sure he would much prefer that to us feeling the way we do now. Isabelle blames herself for his death, you think of him in sadness and I try not to think about it at all."

"You're right. He would never want us to be sad. It's hard not to be sad though."

"I think that's the point." Alec looked at Jace like he was crazy. "I mean that everything's hard at first so getting over the sadness is part of the healing process or whatever you call it that way we can remember him the way we want to."

"If you keep talking like this I might start to think that you have feelings."

"Shut up Alexander."

Alec looked down at his now smooth wrists and ran his fingers over the now healed skin. "Does it ever frustrate you that mom and dad haven't said anything to us about Max's death? I mean they haven't bothered to ask how we're dealing with it or tried to talk to us about it."

"Honestly, I don't think they even know how to deal with it."

"None of us know how to deal with this! We've never lost a sibling before and they've never lost a child but that doesn't give them an excuse to just leave us to fend for ourselves. It's just…"

"Just what Alec?"

Sighing Alec looked at his hands. "It's just that I sometimes feel like we're not really a family. Like mom and dad are just the people who give us the money we need and then leave us to do whatever we want. I mean look at the stuff we get away with."

"I know what you mean."

The two sat in silence for several minutes. Alec messed with his fingers trying to get his mind off of everything that had been flooding it. Jace stared off into space thinking about what Alec had just said. His brother was always the caring one in the family. Whenever everyone else cut themselves off from their emotions Alec was there to bring them back around and make them see what was going on. His family had always come first.

Jace reached out and took one of Alec's hands in his own, squeezing it gently. "We're going to get through this. We always get through everything because we stick together. Parents or not the Lightwood siblings never give up on each other or anything for that matter. We're stubborn and determined and awesome."

"Agreed." Alec's stomach growled loudly. "Well I think cleaning up the mirror is going to have to wait for later because I'm starving.

"I almost forgot I was hungry. Strange."

"Well you've remember now so let's go."

"Alec?"

Alec looked at Jace with an annoyed expression. "What is it Jace?"

"Your shirt is covered in blood. I was thinking you might like to change it but never mind."

"Right. I should change." Alec grabbed the first t-shirt he found and changed into it. "Better?"

"Yes. Much better."

**So that's it for this little story. I might be convinced to make this a two shot (ending with my first lemon) but I'm not sure if I want to so let me know through your fabulous reviews. I love you all dearly! Until next time my wonderful readers.**

**Love ya,**

**CallaLilyLily**


	2. Magnus

**So last night I got one review on this story before I went to sleep and that one review made me determined to write this chapter. At the bottom I have a special little note for that reviewer so please read it! Also thank you to whoever reviewed me to tell me I had the wrong book up. I don't know why I said after COB when I know Max doesn't die until after COG so thank you for pointing that out. **

**Before you read this you should pull up three songs. I listened to them the entire time I was writing this and one of them is the song that Magnus puts on later in the chapter. So the chapter songs are (in this order): Bloodstream by Stateless, Down by Jason Walker and Running Up That Hill by Placebo. I'll put in a little reminder where Bloodstream starts and then you can play the other two after that if you want. **

**Warning: Mentions of self-harm and a lemon. **

After 'The Incident', as Alec liked refer to Jace finding out about his dirty little secret two weeks ago, Jace never left Alec's side unless completely necessary. Jace had gone so far as to make sure Alec ate something every day and made Alec leave the door open while he showered so he wouldn't be able to cut himself. Isabelle had finally come out of her room about two days after Jace had started his new daily routine and now was with the boys twenty-four seven as well. They now slept in one room with Jace in one bed and Alec with Isabelle curled up against him in the other. It was clear to all of them that they needed each other if they were going to get through this and so they stayed together constantly until today that is.

Alec was absentmindedly staring out of the library window while Jace and Isabelle talked on the couch in low voices. Out of the blue a fire message appeared in front of Alec and drifted down into his lap. Curiously he picked it up and instantly recognized the handwriting as Magnus Bane's curly script. Smiling Alec opening the paper and began to read:

_My dearest Alexander,_

_I'm so sorry about not being in much contact with you over the last few months but things in Idris were absolutely hectic. I would get home every night and pass out from exhaustion. You know I would have written you every day if I had the chance to but as I stated above there was hardly a chance to do so._

_Hopefully you noticed above that I said "things in Idris" instead of here. It just so happens Alexander darling that I have arrived back home in New York. If you're not too busy I would love to see my wonderful blue eyed boyfriend. I've missed you so much over the past for months that all I want to do is spend time with you so please come soon._

_Love,_

_The Magnificent Magnus Bane_

After reading the letter Alec quickly stood up and crossed the room to leave but Jace spoke up before he could. "Alec where are you going?"

"To see Magnus. He just got back."

"Well are you going to be back later?"

"I don't know. Don't plan on it." With that Alec left the room and practically ran all the way to Magnus Bane's flat in Brooklyn.

When Alec reached Magnus's apartment he stood outside for the longest time just staring at the door like it would open by itself. Alec shook his head to clear it then opened up the door with a key he hadn't used in months. Slowly Alec stepped inside to find that the apartment was exactly how they had left it when they went to Idris. A noise came from the bedroom and Alec watched as Magnus came out of the door with an exhausted expression on his face. However that quickly changed when he saw Alec standing in his entryway.

"Alexander!"

"I have to tell you something." Alec had decided he would tell Magnus about the cutting and he wanted to do it sooner rather than later.

Magnus's expression changed to that of concern. "Alright. How about we talk in the living room?"

"Okay."

Alec followed Magnus into the living room but instead of sitting next to Magnus on the couch like usual he sat in a chair across from the couch so the coffee table was in between them. Magnus watched him carefully trying to figure out what had gotten his Shadowhunter so worked up. Alec stared intently at his fingers for several minutes before looking up to meet Magnus's green cat eyes.

"While you were gone I did something that was incredibly stupid. Actually I did it multiple times but I stopped about two weeks ago when Jace caught me." Magnus's face remained concerned so Alec just continued on. "These last few months have been really hard for me. I needed a way to cope so I took a cowardly way out and I'm sorry. It just got to be too much."

"Alexander what is?" Magnus leaned across the table and took one of Alec's hands in his own. "You can tell me. I'm not going to judge you."

"About a week after we got back I accidently cut myself while in the weapons room. It made me feel something other than the despair I was feeling so I began to cut myself. At first it was just tiny little pinpricks but then it escalated. When Jace found me I had punched my bathroom mirror in so he thought I was all bloody from that but then he noticed my right wrist and the blade. We talked about it and I haven't cut myself since not that I could have if I wanted to. Jace has been watching me constantly to make sure I don't do anything stupid." Alec brought his downcast eyes up to find tears beginning to well up in Magnus's eyes.

"If I had known-"

"Don't! This isn't your fault."

"I should have been here for you. I knew what Max meant to you!"

Alec stood up and went to sit next to Magnus on the couch, pressing their foreheads together and intertwining their hands. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault so don't act like it is. You couldn't have possibly known and trust me no one blames you of all people."

"You're not doing it anymore?"

"No."

"I'm just glad that nothing happened to you. You're not doing it anymore and that's all that matters." Magnus pulled Alec into a tight hug. "Everything's going to be okay."

"I know. I just don't want to think about it."

"How about I take your mind off of it."

Alec looked at Magnus with scrunched up eyebrows. "How are you going to do that?"

"Have you ever danced before?"

"No."

"Come on." Magnus pulled Alec up then waved his hand so his furniture disappeared then went over to small device Alec had never seen before. He picked something up and messed with it for a second then placed it in the small device. **(Begin Bloodstream by Stateless)** The sound of a piano filled the room and Alec immediately relaxed. He loved the sound of piano. It was soothing and comforting.

Magnus gently took Alec's hand in one hand then placed the other on Alec's waist. Tentatively Alec brought his empty hand to rest on Magnus's shoulder not knowing where else to put his hand. Slowly the two moved, Magnus leading Alec, being careful not to go to fast. Alec let out a sigh and closed his eyes just wanting to let everything go for just a little while so all that would matter to him was the two of them dancing. No Max, no Shadowhunting, just them.

Without thinking Alec brought himself closer to Magnus. His arm moved from Magnus's shoulder to looping his shoulder blades so his head could fit where Magnus's shoulder and neck met. Magnus's arm moved around Alec's waist and pulled the boy closer. Their feet were barely moving now so they were swaying more than dancing. Alec pressed his face deep into the conjecture of Magnus's shoulder and neck letting out a sob as his did so. He didn't mean to cry but suddenly all his emotions seemed too overwhelming not to.

Magnus let go of Alec's hand and rubbed his back soothingly instead. Alec brought his arm up so both were around Magnus's neck and gave a little squeeze. Magnus continued to rub Alec's back while he spoke soft words of encouragement to Alec. He told him he was beautiful, strong, powerful, that he would get through this and the one thing Alec wanted to hear most: I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere.

The piano part from the beginning began to play again and Alec pulled away from Magnus so he was looking at him with bloodshot eyes. "Thank you. I needed that."

"Sometimes we just need someone to hold us while we cry."

Alec kissed Magnus gently. "It was exactly what I needed. Thank you."

"You already said that."

"I know I just wanted to make sure you knew how grateful I am to have you." Alec kissed Magnus again but this time with more passion. His hands came up to cup the warlock's face and he tilted his face to deepen the kiss. A tentative tongue slid across Magnus's lips and the warlock gave a sigh of content letting the Shadowhunter in.

As Alec continued the kiss he became aware that something was different from the other times they had done this. Alec was no stranger to where this was leading to but he didn't feel the normal fiery passion and need that always accompanied them. This was more like a slow, smoldering fire laced with more need than Alec had ever felt for anything in his entire life.

As Alec's tongue continued to cover every corner of Magnus's mouth his hands trailed over the lean body that came with it. Carefully Alec began to take small steps backwards knowing exactly where he was headed for. Magnus followed each footstep carefully but it was getting to be too much work for the two to do while they kissed. Alec took one of Magnus's legs and placed it around his waist before taking the other and doing the same so Magnus was wrapped around the Shadowhunter. Their lips continued to work together as Alec walked backwards towards the bedroom.

When Alec's back pressed against the door he reached one of his hands backwards and turned the knob. He continued his slow yet steady progress and managed to make it to the bed without tripping over any stray objects. Alec turned and placed a knee on the bed so he could carefully bend down and place Magnus so he was in the center of the bed with his head on the pillows.

For the first time their lips disconnected but Magnus continued to gently press kisses onto Alec's neck while Alec began to unbutton Magnus's shirt. When the shirt was off Alec moved to place slow, lingering kisses over the exposed skin of his lover's chest. Magnus's hands began to slowly pull up Alec shirt at the same time his mouth let out breathy sighs. Alec stopped what he was doing to let Magnus pull the shirt over his head then leaned down and continued the kiss from earlier. Their chest pressed together causing Alec to shiver at the sensation.

Hands trailed down until they reached the button of Alec's jeans. Magnus managed to undo the button and zipper then pushed them down, using his feet to get them all the way off the younger boy's body. Seconds later Magnus felt his pants being slowly worked off followed by his underwear. He let out a small moan as Alec's body pressed against his. Alec's mouth moved from Magnus's lips down to his neck causing another moan.

Desperately Magnus's hands trailed down Alec's back until they found the elastic band of the boxers he was wearing. He managed to get them down and off the other man and smiled as the man moaned into his neck when Magnus ran his hands over the others buttocks. Their lips connected again in a breathy kiss as hands roamed over one another.

One of Alec's large hands glided down Magnus's thigh then guided his leg so it was bent at the knee on one side of his body then did the same on the other side. Alec's left hand came up to cup Magnus's face while the other moved back down until it was between Magnus's legs. Slowly Alec's pushed a finger into Magnus who let out a low groan at the feeling. As the next finger joined, Alec moved his lips to Magnus's neck since his lover was too busy moaning to kiss Alec. Fingers gently racked up and down Alec's back as Alec continued to move his fingers inside his lover's body. Another finger slipped in earning Alec a small gasp in his ear.

Finally Alec took his fingers out and moved so his large member was lined up with Magnus. Alec placed his forehead against Magnus's before he pushed in and watched as his lovers face changed from one emotion to the next. When Alec was all the way in Magnus opened his eyes and brought up a hand to trace Alec's face. Slowly Alec began to move letting out a moan at the feeling.

The two let out sighs and breathy moans as their bodies moved against each other. In no time they had found the perfect slow rhythm that they seemed to be craving. Never had they gone this slow but right now it seemed to be what they needed.

As the pressure began to build to the point where they would soon go over the edge, Alec's movements began to be long, lingering strokes while his hand moved a little bit faster against his lover's member. Magnus's groans became mixed with small whimpers as he got closer and closer to the edge. Alec continued to move but his face began to furrow in an attempt to hold back.

"Alexander." The word came out as a breathy whisper against Alec's skin making him shiver. "Al-Alec." Magnus let out a whimper.

"I know." Alec buried his face in Magnus's neck. "Magnus?"

"Yes."

"I love you."

"I love you too." Alec squeezed causing Magnus to gasp. "Alec!"

"Mhmmm." Alec's tongue began to lick at Magnus's neck in slow strokes.

Magnus's fingers dug into Alec's back as Alec pushed in, licked and squeezed at the same time. "Alec…"

With one last, deep thrust both tumbled over the edge. Magnus gasped out "Alexander" while Alec groaned into Magnus's neck. The two stayed connected together for a long time before Alec pulled out and moved to lay next to Magnus. Their hands found each other and they intertwined their fingers.

Magnus was nearly asleep when he heard Alec's voice. "Magnus?"

"Yes Alexander."

"Thank you."

"For what?" Magnus turned on his side so he was facing Alec.

"For being here for me. For reminding me that I have something incredible to live for and that I don't need to cut myself to feel. I love you so much."

"I love you too Alexander." Magnus pulled Alec to him so the younger boy's head was tucked under his chin. "I'll always be here. Now get some rest."

"Okay."

Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus's bare waist and snuggled closer to the warm warlock with a content sigh. Alec closed his eyes letting sleep begin to take over his tired body. Magnus kissed the top of his head then began to hum a soothing tune under his breath until he fell asleep with Alec wrapped up in his arms.

**So that's the last chapter in this two-shot. I hope the lemon wasn't horrible because it's the first one I've written. If you know what the three songs have in common then you get a cookie… not really but you would be awesome! Now I have something to say!**

**I got this review: "I'm having troubles and... Have resorted to cutting. It's so hard to hide, and this story was very good for me to read. Please make it a two shot!" from an anonymous reviewer and would like to tell you something. I know many people who have resorted to cut at one point in their lives in fact two people I love dearly have cut themselves in the past. Please stop. Right now just please stop. There are people in this world who care about you deeply. Some you don't even know about yet! I know it seems hard now but everything gets better eventually you just have to push through it and you'll get there. So please stop cutting and smile because guess what. You're beautiful!**

**Love ya!**

**CallaLilyLily**


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